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At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

~ George Carlin ~
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Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

~ George Carlin ~
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Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.

~ George Carlin ~
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Electricity is really just organized lightning.

~ George Carlin ~
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Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

~ George Carlin ~
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Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, andanyone going faster than you is a moron.

~ George Carlin ~
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Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

~ George Carlin ~
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I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

~ George Carlin ~
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I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.

~ George Carlin ~
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I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.

~ George Carlin ~
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I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.

~ George Carlin ~
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I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.

~ George Carlin ~
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I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

~ George Carlin ~
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In comic strips, the person on the right always speaks first.

~ George Carlin ~
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May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

~ George Carlin ~
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Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that ...

~ George Carlin ~
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Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.

~ George Carlin ~
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The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

~ George Carlin ~
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The status quo sucks.

~ George Carlin ~
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There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

~ George Carlin ~
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Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

~ George Carlin ~
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When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.

~ George Carlin ~
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