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A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.

~ Rodney Dangerfield ~
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At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't.

~ Rodney Dangerfield ~
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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

~ Rodney Dangerfield ~
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I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.

~ Rodney Dangerfield ~
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I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

~ Rodney Dangerfield ~
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I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

~ Rodney Dangerfield ~
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I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

~ Rodney Dangerfield ~
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

~ Rodney Dangerfield ~
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I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

~ Rodney Dangerfield ~
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Life is just a bowl of pits.

~ Rodney Dangerfield ~
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Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

~ Rodney Dangerfield ~
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Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, knowing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about

~ Rodney Dangerfield ~
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

~ Rodney Dangerfield ~
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My wife and I were happy for twenty. Then we met!

~ Rodney Dangerfield ~
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My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

~ Rodney Dangerfield ~
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My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

~ Rodney Dangerfield ~
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They change the sheets every day... from one bed to another.

~ Rodney Dangerfield ~
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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

~ Rodney Dangerfield ~
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