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A gene can be either dominant or recessive, depending on which type of gene it is.

~ Dave Barry ~
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Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.

~ Dave Barry ~
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American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective employees be honest and hardworking. It has even stopped hoping for employees who are educated enough that they can tell the difference between the men's room and the women's room without having little pictures on the doors.

~ Dave Barry ~
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American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it.

~ Dave Barry ~
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Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that offers whiter teeth and fresher breath.

~ Dave Barry ~
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As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.

~ Dave Barry ~
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Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down.

~ Dave Barry ~
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Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes.

~ Dave Barry ~
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Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.

~ Dave Barry ~
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Congress, after years of stalling, finally got around to clearing the way for informal discussions that might lead to possible formal talks that could potentially produce some kind of tentative agreements...

~ Dave Barry ~
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Congress shall also create a tax code weighing more than the combined poundage of the largest member of the House and the largest member of the Senate, plus a standard musk ox.

~ Dave Barry ~
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DNA is an abbreviation for deoxyribonucleicantidisestablishmentarianism, a complex string of syllables.

~ Dave Barry ~
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Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true!

~ Dave Barry ~
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Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.

~ Dave Barry ~
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'Escargot' is French for 'fat crawling bag of phlegm'.

~ Dave Barry ~
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Eugene is located in western Oregon, approximately 278 billion miles from anything.

~ Dave Barry ~
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Experts agree that the best type of computer for your individual needs is one that comes on the market about two days after you actually purchase some other computer.

~ Dave Barry ~
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Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.

~ Dave Barry ~
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For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball.

~ Dave Barry ~
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Genes are little items that are found in every living thing except Sen. Alfonse D'Amato.

~ Dave Barry ~
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Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.

~ Dave Barry ~
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Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?

~ Dave Barry ~
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I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer.

~ Dave Barry ~
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I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.

~ Dave Barry ~
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I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford.

~ Dave Barry ~
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I realize that I'm generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, I don't care.

~ Dave Barry ~
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I recently had my annual physical examination, which I get once every seven years, and when the nurse weighed me, I was shocked to discover how much stronger the Earth's gravitational pull has become since 1990.

~ Dave Barry ~
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I regularly read Internet user groups filled with messages from people trying to solve software incompatibility problems that, in terms of complexity, make the U.S. Tax Code look like Dr. Seuss.

~ Dave Barry ~
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I think Superman should go on the Larry King show and announce that he would come back to life if people in all 50 states wanted him to.

~ Dave Barry ~
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I want a pit crew... I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems.

~ Dave Barry ~
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I was a young person once, shortly after the polar ice caps retreated, and I distinctly recall believing that virtually all adults were clueless goobers.

~ Dave Barry ~
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I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories.

~ Dave Barry ~
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If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base.

~ Dave Barry ~
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If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry.

~ Dave Barry ~
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If you have a big enough dictionary, just about everything is a word.

~ Dave Barry ~
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In those days, most people read newspapers, whereas today, most people do not. What caused this change? One big factor, of course, is that people are a lot stupider than they used to be, although we here in the newspaper industry would never say so in print.

~ Dave Barry ~
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It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent.

~ Dave Barry ~
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It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.

~ Dave Barry ~
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It was Public Art, defined as art that is purchased by experts who are not spending their own personal money.

~ Dave Barry ~
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Karate is a form of marital arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.

~ Dave Barry ~
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Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.

~ Dave Barry ~
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Magnetism is one of the Six Fundamental Forces of the Universe, with the other five being Gravity, Duct Tape, Whining, Remote Control, and The Force That Pulls Dogs Toward The Groins Of Strangers.

~ Dave Barry ~
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More and more products are coming out in fiercely protective packaging designed to prevent consumers from consuming them. These days you have to open almost every consumer item by gnawing on the packaging.

~ Dave Barry ~
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My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible.

~ Dave Barry ~
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My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished 2 bags of M and M's and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.

~ Dave Barry ~
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Newspaper readership is declining like crazy. In fact, there's a good chance that nobody is reading my column.

~ Dave Barry ~
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Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

~ Dave Barry ~
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Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.

~ Dave Barry ~
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Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.

~ Dave Barry ~
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People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

~ Dave Barry ~
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Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.

~ Dave Barry ~
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Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.

~ Dave Barry ~
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Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.

~ Dave Barry ~
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Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough.

~ Dave Barry ~
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Stuffwise we are not a lean operation. We're the kind of people who, if we were deciding what absolute minimum essential items we'd need to carry in our backpacks for the final, treacherous ascent to the summit of Mount Everest, would take along aquarium filters, just in case.

~ Dave Barry ~
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Thanks to my solid academic training, today I can write hundreds of words on virtually any topic without possessing a shred of information, which is how I got a good job in journalism.

~ Dave Barry ~
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The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery.

~ Dave Barry ~
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The difference between men and women is that, if given the choice between saving the life of an infant or catching a fly ball, a woman will automatically choose to save the infant, without even considering if there's a man on base.

~ Dave Barry ~
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The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.

~ Dave Barry ~
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The greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison... Edison's first major invention, in 1877, was the phonograph, which could soon be found in thousands of American homes, where it basically sat until 1923, when the record was invented.

~ Dave Barry ~
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The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting.

~ Dave Barry ~
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The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.

~ Dave Barry ~
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The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice.

~ Dave Barry ~
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The nuclear generator of brain sludge is television.

~ Dave Barry ~
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The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins.

~ Dave Barry ~
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The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, finished, and put inside boxes.

~ Dave Barry ~
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The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes.

~ Dave Barry ~
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The real threat to whales is whaling, which has endangered many whale species.

~ Dave Barry ~
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The Sixties are now considered a historical period, just like the Roman Empire.

~ Dave Barry ~
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The term SAT is a set of initials, or autonym, standing for Scholastic Attitude Treaty Organization.

~ Dave Barry ~
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The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and Clark expedition.

~ Dave Barry ~
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The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Dennis Rodman is only one example.

~ Dave Barry ~
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To better understand why you need a personal computer, let's take a look at the pathetic mess you call your life.

~ Dave Barry ~
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We believe that electricity exists, because the electric company keeps sending us bills for it, but we cannot figure out how it travels inside wires.

~ Dave Barry ~
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We idolized the Beatles, except for those of us who idolized the Rolling Stones, who in those days still had many of their original teeth.

~ Dave Barry ~
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We journalists... are also extremely impressed with scientists, and we will, frankly, print just about any wacky thing they tell us, especially if it involves outer space.

~ Dave Barry ~
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We operate under a jury system in this country, and as much as we complain about it, we have to admit that we know of no better system, except possibly flipping a coin.

~ Dave Barry ~
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We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.

~ Dave Barry ~
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What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.

~ Dave Barry ~
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What may seem depressing or even tragic to one person may seem like an absolute scream to another person, especially if he has had between four and seven beers.

~ Dave Barry ~
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Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

~ Dave Barry ~
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Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro.

~ Dave Barry ~
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