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American and British troops handed out food to hundreds of Iraqis. Not surprisingly, Iraqis handed the British food back.

~ Conan Obrien ~
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Apparently Arnold was inspired by President Bush, who proved you can be a successful politician in this country even if English is your second language.

~ Conan Obrien ~
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Bob Dole is going to be appearing in a Pepsi commercial with Britney Spears. Yeah, apparently Dole says that if this doesn't cure his erectile dysfunction, nothing will.

~ Conan Obrien ~
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CBS news anchor Dan Rather has interviewed Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein. When asked what it was like to talk to a crazy man, Saddam said, 'It's not so bad.'

~ Conan Obrien ~
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Earlier today, Arnold Schwarzenegger criticized the California school system, calling it disastrous. Arnold says California's schools are so bad that its graduates are willing to vote for me.

~ Conan Obrien ~
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Early on, they were timing my contract with an egg timer.

~ Conan Obrien ~
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If life gives you lemons, make some kind of fruity juice.

~ Conan Obrien ~
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In Cleveland there is legislation moving forward to ban people from wearing pants that fit too low. However, there is lots of opposition from the plumber' union.

~ Conan Obrien ~
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In New York, we had primary elections for mayor. To improve their chances, all five candidates changed their name to Rudy Giuliani.

~ Conan Obrien ~
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John Travolta said he sometimes lets his friends take control of his airplane even though they don't know what they're doing. Then Travolta said he often does the same thing with his career.

~ Conan Obrien ~
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Michael Jackson was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. It caused quite a controversy, because his nose isn't eligible for another fifteen years.

~ Conan Obrien ~
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Officials at the White House are saying that President Bush hasn't changed his schedule much since the war started. The main difference, they say, is that he's started watching the news and taping Sponge Bob.

~ Conan Obrien ~
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Pamela Anderson Lee released a statement confirming that she has had her breast implants removed. Doctors say that Pamela is doing fine and that her old implants are now dating Charlie Sheen.

~ Conan Obrien ~
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Playboy magazine announced that they are going to support the troops by sending them emails from Playboy playmates. After hearing this the U.S. troops said 'Just our luck, we get emails from playmates, but we're embedded with Geraldo.'

~ Conan Obrien ~
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President Bush left for Canada today to attend a trade summit. Reportedly, the trade summit got off to an awkward start when the president pulled out his baseball cards.

~ Conan Obrien ~
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Scientists announced that they have located the gene for alcoholism. Scientists say they found it at a party, talking way too loudly.

~ Conan Obrien ~
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The Canadian government continues to say they will not help us if we go to war with Iraq. However, the prime minister of Canada said he'd like to help, but he's pretty sure that last time he checked, Canada had no army.

~ Conan Obrien ~
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The U.S. army confirmed that it gave a lucrative fire fighting contract in Iraq to the firm once run by the Vice President Dick Cheney without any competitive bidding. When asked if this could be conceived as Cheney's friends profiting from the war, the spokesman said 'Yes.'

~ Conan Obrien ~
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Tom Cruise's attorney said he is going to sue anyone who claims he is gay. In a related story, Ricky Martin's attorney has been hospitalized for exhaustion.

~ Conan Obrien ~
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Vanity Fair magazine reports that former President Clinton and Al Gore haven't spoken to each other since George W. Bush's inauguration. Not only that, Bill and his wife, Hillary, haven't spoken since Richard Nixon's inauguration.

~ Conan Obrien ~
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Yesterday American and British troops handed out food to hundreds of Iraqis. Not surprisingly, the Iraqis handed the British food back.

~ Conan Obrien ~
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Yesterday, Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he would run for governor of California. The announcement was good news for Florida residents who now live in the second flakiest state in the country.

~ Conan Obrien ~
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Yesterday, the Pentagon warned U.S. reporters that they should get out of Baghdad as soon as possible because the U.S. could attack at any time. Then the Pentagon added, 'Whatever you do, don't tell Geraldo.'

~ Conan Obrien ~
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