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A hat should be taken off when you greet a lady and left off for the rest of your life. Nothing looks more stupid than a hat.

~ P J Orourke ~
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A very quiet and tasteful way to be famous is to have a famous relative. Then you can not only be nothing, you can do nothing too.

~ P J Orourke ~
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Always read something that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

~ P J Orourke ~
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Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

~ P J Orourke ~
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America wasn't founded so that we could all be better. America was founded so we could all be anything we damned well pleased.

~ P J Orourke ~
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Anyway, no drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we're looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn't test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power.

~ P J Orourke ~
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Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly.

~ P J Orourke ~
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Children from the age of five to ten should watch more television. Television depicts adults as rotten SOB's, given to fistfights, gunplay, and other mayhem. Kids who believe this about grownups aren't likely to argue about bedtime.

~ P J Orourke ~
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Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.

~ P J Orourke ~
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Even a band of angels can turn ugly and start looting if enough angels are unemployed and hanging around the Pearly Gates convinced that all the succubi own all the liquor stores in Heaven.

~ P J Orourke ~
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Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective.

~ P J Orourke ~
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Every government is a parliament of whores. The trouble is, in a democracy, the whores are us.

~ P J Orourke ~
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Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.

~ P J Orourke ~
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Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern, like bad wallpaper.

~ P J Orourke ~
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Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.

~ P J Orourke ~
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Government proposes, bureaucracy disposes. And the bureaucracy must dispose of government proposals by dumping them on us.

~ P J Orourke ~
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Humans are the only animals that have children on purpose with the exception of guppies, who like to eat theirs.

~ P J Orourke ~
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I suppose I should get a VCR, but the only thing I like about television is its ephemerality.

~ P J Orourke ~
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If government were a product, selling it would be illegal.

~ P J Orourke ~
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Never be unfaithful to a lover, except with your wife.

~ P J Orourke ~
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Never fight an inanimate object.

~ P J Orourke ~
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Never wear anything that panics the cat.

~ P J Orourke ~
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No drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we're looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn't test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power.

~ P J Orourke ~
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Politics are for foreigners with their endless wrongs and paltry rights. Politics are a lousy way to get things done. Politics are, like God's infinite mercy, a last resort.

~ P J Orourke ~
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Seriousness is stupidity sent to college.

~ P J Orourke ~
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Social Security is a government program with a constituency made up of the old, the near old and those who hope or fear to grow old. After 215 years of trying, we have finally discovered a special interest that includes 100 percent of the population. Now we can vote ourselves rich.

~ P J Orourke ~
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The Clinton administration launched an attack on people in Texas because those people were religious nuts with guns. Hell, this country was founded by religious nuts with guns. Who does Bill Clinton think stepped ashore on Plymouth Rock?

~ P J Orourke ~
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The mystery of government is not how Washington works but how to make it stop.

~ P J Orourke ~
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The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year's Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you're married to.

~ P J Orourke ~
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The weirder you're going to behave, the more normal you should look. It works in reverse, too. When I see a kid with three or four rings in his nose, I know there is absolutely nothing extraordinary about that person.

~ P J Orourke ~
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What use is it to endure the Dutch Rubs and Indian Rope Burns that are politics if you can't obtain mastery over people and give them noogies back?

~ P J Orourke ~
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When a couple decide to divorce, they should inform both sets of parents before having a party and telling all their friends. This is not only courteous but practical. Parents may be very willing to pitch in with comments, criticism and malicious gossip of their own to help the divorce along

~ P J Orourke ~
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When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators.

~ P J Orourke ~
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You can't get rid of poverty by giving people money.

~ P J Orourke ~
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You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going.

~ P J Orourke ~
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