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A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

~ Fred Allen ~
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A conference is a gathering of people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.

~ Fred Allen ~
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A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on.

~ Fred Allen ~
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An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission.

~ Fred Allen ~
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Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent.

~ Fred Allen ~
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Everywhere outside New York City is Bridgeport, Connecticut.

~ Fred Allen ~
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He dreamed he was eating shredded wheat and woke up to find the mattress half gone.

~ Fred Allen ~
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Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for a star.

~ Fred Allen ~
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I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.

~ Fred Allen ~
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I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.

~ Fred Allen ~
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I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin.

~ Fred Allen ~
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I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.

~ Fred Allen ~
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I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.

~ Fred Allen ~
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I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

~ Fred Allen ~
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I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal labotomy.

~ Fred Allen ~
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I'm a little hoarse tonight. I've been living in Chicago for the past two months, and you know how it is, yelling for help on the way home every night. Things are so tough in Chicago that at Easter time, for bunnies the little kids use porcupines.

~ Fred Allen ~
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Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

~ Fred Allen ~
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It is probably not love that makes the world go around, but rather those mutually supportive alliances through which partners recognize their dependence on each other for the achievement of shared and private goals.

~ Fred Allen ~
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Life, in my estimation, is a biological misadventure that we terminate on the shoulders of six strange men whose only objective is to make a hole in one with you.

~ Fred Allen ~
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Most of us spend the first 6 days of each week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.

~ Fred Allen ~
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Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything.

~ Fred Allen ~
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Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.

~ Fred Allen ~
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The advertising world had space men in it before spacemen existed.

~ Fred Allen ~
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The American arrives in Paris with a few French phrases he has culled from a conversational guide or picked up from a friend who owns a beret.

~ Fred Allen ~
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The first thing that strikes a visitor to Paris is a taxi.

~ Fred Allen ~
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The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand.

~ Fred Allen ~
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Treat employees like partners, and they act like partners.

~ Fred Allen ~
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Washington is no place for a good actor. The competition from bad actors is too great.

~ Fred Allen ~
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We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion.

~ Fred Allen ~
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What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement?

~ Fred Allen ~
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When a radio comedian's program is finally finished it slinks down Memory Lane into the limbo of yesteryear's happy hours. All that the comedian has to show for his years of work and aggravation is the echo of forgotten laughter.

~ Fred Allen ~
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You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart.

~ Fred Allen ~
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